Farm Fresh Blog

I stand before you and admit it.  I have a drinking problem.

If I were able to knock the Starbuck's Mocha Frappuccino out of my life, I'd lose 10 lbs right off the bat.  Of course, considering the fact that it has enough caffeine in it to ride your bicycle to Dallas, giving up frapps would undoubtedly cause me to become a Bitchy Bear and I'd probably knock a lot of other things in my life too.

I've tried to quit.  I've tried coffee.  I've tried coffee beans. Nothing has worked. Fate seems to have a way of knowing when I'm planning to cut back on the frapps.  There is a basic law of Physics that says "For Every Action, There Is An Equal And Opposite Reaction." That law applies EVERY time I try to give up frapps.

Since I haven't been to the grocery store in some time, I've been forced to buy my precious Nectar of the Gods from the local gas station where they cost an arm and a leg.  Would someone PLEASE shut those damned sheep up!!!!!  (Pardon me, we are weaning sheep and a week of screaming is wearing me down!) Anyway, back to the story . . .  Last night I bought two frapps on my way home so that I'd have them when I woke up.  (Yes, as I have already admitted, I have a drinking problem.)

As I crawled in bed, I told myself that today would be a good day for cutting back on the frapps.  I heard Fate laugh at me as I fell asleep.  True to form, this is how my day unfolded:

Am jolted awake by smell of cat piss.  Yes!  I said it!  Not cat urine!  Cat PISS!  Anyone who has been awakened by that smell in their bedroom will tell you, it's CAT PISS! (Would someone PLEASE SHUT UP THOSE DAMNED SHEEP!!!!) Leap out of bed to investigate odor. Two cats point at a third who is slinking out of the bedroom. Ice, The Black Wolf, is beside herself.  Egads!!! A cat has pissed in her dog bed!  (That's a hanging offense in this house!)  I look at it and several thoughts race through my mind:

* Other Half is going to have a fit when he sees this.
* I'm going to have to throw away ANOTHER dog bed.
* I need a freakin' frappuccino. NOW!
* Why are the sheep quiet?
* It's time to evict that damned tabby calico!

Put the dogs outside.  Ice continues to bitch about the fact that a cat has pissed in her dog bed. Note that one of the cats has thrown up in the hallway.  Give silent thanks that I didn't step in it. Give serious consideration to throwing ALL cats outside. Remember that I have done that before and they learned to use the doggy door.  Decide that no important issues should be tackled until I have a frapp.  Note that sheep are quiet. 'Bout damned time! Weaning must be going well. Get frapp and head outside.

No baby goats were born last night.  Dolly is about to pop and Eva doesn't look too far behind her. Dolly is waiting for a cold, icy night after I have come home from working a double murder in the rain before she has her babies. Since Spring has sprung, she will have to satisfy herself with waiting until I come home from an all night stinker to have birthing complications while the vet is out of town.  Coming home on time to two or three healthy kids is probably not in the cards for me. I accept this, and that is why I have a drinking problem.

Feed goats and head to main barn.  Happen to notice that a ewe is with the weaned lambs.  How did THAT happen? Remember that two days ago I placed young Boer Buck Amos with the weaned rams.  Decide that somehow AMOS is to blame.  After all, Amos is a goat, and somehow, some way, most headaches on the farm can be traced back to goats.

Get inside barn and note that ALL the sheep are now back together.  They are happy.  Amos is a goat among sheep, a Stranger In a Foreign Land. He advises me that he wishes to be returned to the goat herd now. I inform him that he is now part of the Bachelor Scene and will remain with the young rams.  Amos informs me that if he is not returned to the goat herd then he will teach the rams how to escape their prison and continue to cause further mayhem.  I inform Amos that Boer Bucks are easy to find and he will end up in a tortilla if he does not behave.  He informs me that he has been wrongly accused and that in actuality, Hulk the Ram opened the gate and let the ewes back in with the lambs.  Uh huh.   

Manage to sort ewes and lambs again.  The screaming commences as soon as they finish breakfast.  Loud screaming. Very loud screaming.  Threaten to sell every one of them on Craigslist. Walk in house and get another frappuccino.

And that, Friends and Neighbors, is why I have a drinking problem.