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Thursday, October 23 2014


Sometimes we see most clearly in the dark. For instance, when you hear coyotes yipping and screams in the night, you can pare down life's essentials pretty quickly - gun + dogs

You don't get too caught up in fashion.

We have already established that I am not now, I have never been, nor will I ever be, a fashion icon. This does not however, mean I do not make a "fashion statement."

Although society's image of the stereotypical farm girl is blue jeans, boots, and a denim shirt, in the spirit of full disclosure, I must admit that many of us wear yoga pants, t-shirts, and tennis shoes, or worse, crocs. Gasp!  (I just blew that Hollywood image outta the water.)

The thing you have to understand here, is that for real farm girls, it's more about function than form. For example, when I'm at the ranch in north Texas, I do wear blue jeans and boots. That's because I need to carry a gun everywhere because of the freaking copperheads and rattlesnakes. Blue jeans hold up guns. Yoga pants do not.  I wear boots for the same reason. Boots give some protection against snakebites. Crocs do not.

But now let's zoom to the farm down south. I can count the number of snakes I've seen in the yard on one hand, and all but one of these was harmless. Down here I'm trying to juggle a full-time job, a husband who has a full-time job, and more animals than Noah brought on the ark. And it's hot. Good gosh, is it hot. Image a tropical rainforest with concrete. That's south Texas. As soon as you walk outside, you break into a sweat. This is the Land Of Yoga Pants. Yoga pants and rubber boots.

Or Crocs.

Yes, it's a real fashion statement. I'm not sure what it says, but I know it isn't pretty. On the other hand, it's harmless.

Well, kinda. It's harmless until . . .

. . . until events jettison our Farm Fashionista from Odd & Fumpy Weirdo to Full-Scale Ninja Nutjob. Let's examine the Ninja Nutjob.

The Ninja Nutjob emerges as a Farm-Fashionista-With-A-Firearm when the wolf is at the door, the coyotes are in the pasture, the bobcat has just snatched a goose.

Times like this call for an all-out committed response, and there is no time for fashion. Our fashionista has only a moment to grab a gun and a flashlight. Now here's the hitch. As if yoga pants, a long t-shirt, and crocs are not enough to set the neighborhood ablaze with gossip, in an effort to save time, the smart fashionista grabs her handy dandy police gunbelt which comes equipped with both a gun and a flashlight. (It's really handy. Home Depot should sell these suckers.)

The trick is to condition your neighbors not to call 911.

Fortunately one of our neighbors was seen running around in his underwear with a pistol when he caught someone breaking into his garage. It's the same concept as a bobcat getting your goose. We don't judge in our 'hood.'

And while this attire may raise the eyebrows of local law enforcement, for some people, furry people or feathered people, these duds are the cape of the Superhero!

"She came riding a Big White Dog!"

Just imagine our Caped Crusader wearing yoga pants and a gunbelt riding along the fence line on a large white dog. Yep, that's superhero material right there! Heck, Marvel Comics will be calling me in no time.

 "Hi Yo, Silver, away!"

Posted by: forensicfarmgirl AT 07:37 pm   |  Permalink   |  1 Comment  |  Email
Crocs are my only foot wear these days. My statement is bright pink dressing gown for paddock wear. No missing this sight first thing in the morning on an inspection tour. Great article..
Posted by Liz (Vic Aust) on 10/24/2014 - 03:30 PM

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