Farm Fresh Blog

This is why no one breaks into the Snake Breaker's property.

No way. No how.

His hobbies are common knowledge. You will note that the pictures aren't too good at this point. That's because quarters were tight and a certain woman didn't have enough FLIGHT DISTANCE. Plus, in this situation, being between Other Half and the door wasn't a good idea either. Yes, one way in. One way out. (Screw that)

Anyway, let's get to the business of snake proofing a dog.

First, you have to have rattlesnakes. One will do, but if you want to truly horrify the dog owner, you need an entire pit of rattlesnakes (at least 20). Interestingly enough, there is a safety mechanism that I have developed from years of working crime scenes. Photograph it!

If you see it through the viewfinder of a camera, YOU ARE NOT REALLY THERE!  Yeah, I know, twisted but it works for the human mind. I can get so engrossed in the details of getting a good shot and learning, that the fear of the rattlesnake takes a back seat. (Until I view the pictures later.)

You need to have these really handy snake tongs.

Other Half announced that he wanted a pair of these for the ranch.

"WHY?!" I ask.

He then proceeded to ask what I planned to do if we found a snake in the cabin or in the camper.

"Shoot a lot of holes in the floor!"  (Why do men ask such stupid questions?)

Anyway, back to this instructional:  Kidnap unsuspecting rattlesnake from his pit of rattlesnake buddies. Snatch him up with tongs and put him in a trash can.

No top. Just a trash can. Tell Dog Owners to watch trash can and advise if snake is poking his head out. Righty then.

I didn't tell the Snake Breaker but he would know his snake was loose when the gunfire began. Just sayin'. If that rattlesnake came out of that bucket, Other Half would have shot it into little pieces, apologized, and then handed the man a $20 bill for the snake.

"Ooops! Ma bad! I got skeered!"

But fortunately the snake stayed in the trash can. The Snake Breaker then carried the trash can to the portal of Snake Hell. (Other Half noted that this area also only had ONE WAY IN AND ONE WAY OUT, so if you made a mistake with your tongs and you dropped that sucker, you had to go past an angry rattlesnake to get out of there.  I can't even use chopsticks to pick up noodles, there is no way I'm gonna juggle a pissed off rattlesnake with tongs.

But he did. He snatched up that snake and put him in this box. If you look closely you can see the swipes of rattlesnake venom against the plexi-glass.

(Makes my butt twitch.) Anyway, you put the snake in the box. Then you pin down his head with the tongs and PUT YOUR BARE HAND in the box to catch his head.

After you have the snake by the head, he naturally wants to bite something, (Stands to reason) so you let him sink his fangs into the side of the box. (Which he does happily. Again and again) Venom is squeezed out into the plywood. (It's probably a safe bet that no one will reclaim that lumber later.)

Now that the snake is sufficiently scared and pissed,

you take a pair of hemostats, and rip out his fangs. 

Yeah, this is Snake Hell.  Rattlesnakes are like sharks. They continually grow more teeth. Our rattlesnake victim had 3 fangs. The Snake Breaker ripped them all out. No worries, he'll grow some more.

I still felt a teeny tiny bit sorry for the snake. (just a smidgeon)  I advised The Snake Breaker that I felt a 'little' sorry for the snake.

"Why? He wouldn't feel sorry for you." 

Good point. Then I remembered this

and I didn't feel sorry for the snake any more.

I made note that although this snake was in Snake Hell, if he was wild and free at my ranch (Apparently Snake Heaven) he would have been blasted to smithereens with a .410 shotgun, so at least here he is alive and well-fed. And he will be marked so The Snake Breaker knows he has already used this snake. How do you mark a rattlesnake? 

Orange spray paint. That simple. Now that I think of it, ALL rattlesnakes should be marked with orange spray paint! 

YES!  That way I could SEE them. (my aim is better when I actually see something. just sayin')

So now we have an angry, hurt, pissed off rattlesnake. Now we want to tape the snake's mouth shut.

And we want to put tape over his tail so he cannot rattle.  Why wouldn't you want him to rattle? After all, aren't rattlesnakes the gentlemen of the snake world? Don't they rattle to warn you before they strike?

Bull shit!

My experience has been that they rattle AFTER they strike. And they rattle when they're really scared. Some folks say we are, through natural selection, breeding rattlesnakes that don't rattle because the wild hogs eat any snakes they find. Thus there are less "gentlemen" rattlesnakes around to breed because they get eaten by the hogs and aren't able to reproduce.

I've heard this a lot and don't know how much of it is true. As a child, I ran into a lot of rattlesnakes and I can only remember one snake rattling to warn us of his presence BEFORE we knew he was there. Most of the time they sit and wait and hope you don't see them. If you step too close, you're toast. They strike. Then they rattle. That was in Eastern North Carolina in the 60s. No hogs there.

Regardless of why they don't rattle. A lot of them don't. Nuff said on that.

So now we have a frightened, hurting, pissed off rattlesnake with his mouth taped shut and his tail taped up. Definitely Snake Hell.

It is now time to bring in one unsuspecting Gooberhead dog . . .